


Freeze

by Historia70



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Humor, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 05:27:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8610532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Historia70/pseuds/Historia70
Summary: Zim gets his hands on something that he hopes to help him bring down the humans, but we all know that nothing is what it what it seems.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Well first of all this one shot has no rhyme or reason to it. Now do I have an age for them. Not really, but since I have Keef in here being sort of suggestive a bit, I'm going to place them in High Skool. There is no romance here people. Just some aimless crack.
> 
> I don't own Invader Zim

Splorch!

"Ow! My eye."

"HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

Ker-plunk!

"Nnh. My spleen."

"Heh heh heh heh."

In a classroom a strange red-headed kid was waiting anxiously for his bestest friend to arrive. His spine was rigid. His thumbs were twiddling. The hearts that were around Zim's drawn in face, laid waiting on his desk. How he loved his friend and no matter what Zim did to him, Keef knew it was all done with love.

At the sight of his friend, Keef waved his arm frantically in the air in spite of him being a mere twenty inches away. "Oh hey Zim! Hi Zim! I saved a seat for you Zim! Here it is Zim!"

Zim approached nonchalantly with his hands behind his back. "Yes. I do see the seat you did save for me." He eyed it casually. "It looks." Spying a random piece of gum on it towards the edge, his eye twitched as he tried to remain neutral. "Greeeaaaattttttttt."

"Mm hmm. I'll do anything for you. I'll even go to your home to warm your bed before you lie in it so you never have to sleep in a cold bed." Keef promised with a grin on his face. "Mmm hmm."

"Eww." Closing his eyes for a second to compose himself, Zim smiled as he stepped closer. "Well I have something for you."

Getting up, Keef hopped around in excitement. "You do? Oh gosh. I knew you care for me as much as I care for you. I knew it. Oh I knew that you loved me. Oh I knew it."

Eyes twitching. Mouth curling up in disgust, Zim started to hiss at all the things he began to say before he screamed out. "SHUT YOUR NOISE HOLE!!!!" Mouth shutting, Zim cleared his throat. "Excuse me. Now please stand right there while I give it to you."

"Oh okay." Keef smiled in excitement before receiving a face full of semi-smelling jelly based substance all over him prompting him to skitter and fall smack dab into a desk. Of course courtesy of Zim seeing that he didn't feel that the falling on the floor was enough. 

"HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" Rushing out of there, Zim had more to do to destroy the human race.

Splunk!!

Klunk!!

"AHHHHHH MY EYES!!!"

"WHY?!?"

Meanwhile in one of the boys restrooms, Dib was coming out of the stalls complaining about the unsanitary conditions in there as he went to the sink to wash his hands. A late night meeting with the Swollen Eyeball netting no results and many of the members laughing at him due to his footage of a Yeti using a cow mask to hide its appearance. 

"Stupid idiots. One day I'll show them. I'll show them all." He muttered as he went to wipe his hands dry. As he did this he heard kids screaming outside the room accompanied by, Zim's raucous laughter. "Zim?" He cocked his ear in that direction. 

"HA HA HA HA HA!! You stupid Earth worms. I'll rule you all. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!"

Klink!

"Dawww he got me in the ear." Complained a random girl. 

Doink!

"He took my candy bar!!" Hearing a juicy sound accompanying that sentence came a sound of a sound of pain. "Owie!!"

Back in the bathroom, Dib raised his hand up in the air. "I must stop Zim! I swear I will not rest until he...." Feeling a smack at the side of his head by a roll of toilet paper, Dib looked over to one of the stalls where Hobo Jim was busy waving his fist in the air. 

"Will you shut yer yap! Some people are trying to fish here!" Placing his fist down, Hobo Jim brought his pole back before releasing it inside the toilet he was currently on top of. "I'm trying to catch meself Big Caesar here. Ya damn noisy brat."

Eyes slowly going from the toilet up to the Hobo himself, Dib began to step slowly away from the scene. "OooooKayyyyyy. Well good luck to you."

"Mmm hmmm." 

Walking to the door, Dib quickly ran out the door to try to locate which way Zim was. Once he heard where the latest carnage of sounds were coming from, Dib ran off in that direction as he pulled out one of his latest devices. "You won't get away from me this time, Zim." 

SHUT YER YAP!!!" Yelled out Hobo Jim.

"SORRY!!!" Rolling his eyes, Dib started to jog down the hallway. "Sheesh. Find yourself a new toilet to fish from."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moving along the hallway, Zim whistled a happy tune before shooting another idiotic teenager with his new concoction he acquired last night. As he heard each worm writhing in agony, he strutted down the hall merrily until Dib hopped in front of him. Of course even then, he was busy trying to shoot the tube in his hand on his enemy. 

Pointing his own weapon at Zim, Dib knew that this was a now or never moment. Everyone will respect him now. Maybe his own dad will stop calling him insane. Maybe Gaz will stop being so mean to him. Though in retrospect, he had better luck in getting the truth out of a politician, than having his dad and sister's respect. Still, it was good to dream. 

"Hold it right there, Zimmmmm. Don't you dare think that I'm going to let you get away with that you are trying to get away with." 

Forgetting his tube for a second, Zim widened up his left eye more at that sentence. "Huh?"

"I said: Don't you dare think that I'm going to let you get away with that you are trying to get away with."

Once more, Zim was distracted with now rolling the tube up from the bottom to get as much out of it as possible. As he was doing this, he asked once more. "Huh?"

"You aren't getting away with it, Zim."

"With what?" 

"With what you are doing."

Mentally cursing the blasted tube, Zim still questioned, Dib. "What do you think I'm doing?"

"Well you are hurting people."

Ignoring the whole common core of that answer, Zim looked back up to Dib as if he just got there. "What the hell are you doing here right now?"

Frustrated, Dib took in a deep breath. "I'm stopping you from taking over the planet, Zim. That's why I'm here."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................" Drawing that out for five minutes, Zim shrugged. "So why are you here?"

As Dib explained to him what he was doing there, they both were unaware of the purple demon heading their way behind, Zim. With her hair damp and her dress looking slimed, there was a very dark aura emanating from her as she kept herself fixated on one member of the group. Her game system in one hand, Gaz stopped just behind Zim to grab him quickly by the neck to toss him over her head to the ground. From there, she began to beat the living snot out of him. 

"Get off of me you retched beast!!"

Taking a gander at the floor before seeing, Gaz keeping Zim busy with her fists, Dib scooped the rolled up tube from the ground to begin reading it. As he did, teenagers wandered past the fight as if it wasn't happening. 

"OW!!! That's my squeedilyspooch."

As the tube was now fully read, Dib leaned against a locker just whistling away casually as he waved back at some students passing. Smiling at one in particular, Dib got her phone number before she parted. 

"Wait! Wait! What are you going to do with that device?" Yelled out Zim in a panicky voice.

Dib was curious again as he looked down to see Gaz gear herself up, and do it. "Oooh. I wouldn't want that." He whispered.

Zim groaned out. "That doesn't belong there." 

Standing up, Gaz kicked Zim one final time. "That's what you get for spraying me with crap and destroying my Game Slave. You are replacing that." Gaz touched her hair as she stormed off just pissed. 

As for Dib he couldn't help but feel smug. "Hey Zim. I know you know how to read, but you didn't read this, did you?" He drops the tube down on him. "This, Zim's Max Freeze stuff is good for muscle aches and pain. So all you did was help others in their pain." He chuckled lamely even as Zim glowered at him. Bending down so he was leveled with him almost, Dib smirked at him as he spoke in baby talk. "Awe did the big bad awien get beaten by a girl? Wat a pity you giant baby." Straightening up he decided to leave Zim where he still was. 

Beaten and bruised, Zim rested his chin in the palm of his hand while tapping the floor with a digit. "Insolent human doesn't know what he means."

"Oh hey Zim!"

"Ugh. What now?" Turning his head towards the irritating Keef, Zim got up to avoid an offering from the buffoon. 

Jogging in place, Keef was beaming. "Ever since you put that stuff on me I feel absolutely great. Let me pay you back, bestest buddy."

Moving over to open his locker up, Zim pressed a button inside of it. "Sure thing. Come here." 

"Oh boy!!" Coming over to him, Keef was instantly shoved inside the locker. "Um hey Zim, what is this thing in here?"

Leaning against his locker, Zim just kept his arms crossed. "Oh I wouldn't worry about it much....." At that the locker door began to buck and make sounds as screaming could be heard inside. "Longer. Heh heh." Wandering a couple steps away he had begun to think of a plan. "Now that my plan has been foiled I must think of a new one, but what will it be?"

As he thought about his plan, Zim felt it come upon him like a lightening bolt as his body started to arch up towards his maniacal laughter. In the background tentacles were seen shooting out of his locker. Kids moved away from the strange green kid and a large fish was suddenly smacking against his head before Hobo Jim was seen dashing up to take the fish away. 

"Get your mits off my fish!!" Hobo Jim screamed out before rushing off to the next bathroom to cook his fish in the homemade barbeque in there.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all brought upon because I just bought this product called Zim's Max Freeze muscle rub. I'm starting to question if it had side effects if it made me think of this story.


End file.
